I wish I could teleport
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
