seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
