i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
