I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
