Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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