I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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