Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
