I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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