i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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