Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Randomize
