Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
