I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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