why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
