ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize