It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Two words: blizzard sex
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
