mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
