He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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