and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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