She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
