anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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