everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
We just shotgunned beers for America
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
