I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Randomize
