You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
