She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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