Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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