naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
