That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
