I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
