Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
