Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
