we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
