explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
