Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
