do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
