i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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