I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
