i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
