I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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