I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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