we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
