Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
