His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I deserve this hangover.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
