I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
