were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You've changed since you got that strap on
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
