I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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