he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
