I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize