My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
