If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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