I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
