We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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