just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
