I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
