Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
