when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
