I'm drive I can fine osifer
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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