Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Text me some of your sweat
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