I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
