Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
