I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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